how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
