There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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