I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
