You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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