Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just forgot I was standing up.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
