Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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