easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
