Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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