my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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