it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
