His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
