Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
