I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize