so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
