We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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