Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
