I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
