Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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