My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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