hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
