I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
