I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Will exercising make me less horny?
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