One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
