i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
