Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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