I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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