Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
