i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
