I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
