oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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