Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
