I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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