Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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