Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
