Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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