I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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