how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
