all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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