Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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