I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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