yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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