I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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