Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
