Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
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