im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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