Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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