im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
