that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
