cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
