I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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