my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize