made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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