the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
