Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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