I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
