you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
