i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
