I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
