do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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