My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
