I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Michael Bay diarrhea
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
