i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
