I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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