Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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