apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
