Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
