you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
