I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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