I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
