Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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