i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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