Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
