I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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