i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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